How Porn Completely Ruined My Relationship
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Originally Published on readunwritten.com (with permission)
A ten-year pornography secret.
That is what inevitably ruined my relationship.
That one warm June night, he came over to my apartment after he got off of work, like normal. He showed up in those Adidas sweatpants that he always rolled up. He had a PB&J sandwich in one hand and his water jug in the other. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
He told me about his day, and I told him about mine. I said something witty and he rolled his eyes and laughed. The sun set and we were still talking. Before he was about to leave, I made a comment about something.
And that triggered it. His face fell. He curled up in a ball and asked me a question about porn. I answered negatively and asked him the same question. He looked down and with tears forming in the corner of his eyes, he answered positively.
“Yes,” he said.
Who knew that three letters would combine to create an answer that would crush me. I didn’t know what to think. I scooted away from him and crossed my arms. I began asking him questions about his ten-year secret porn addiction.
The more I found out about it, the more past unanswered questions made sense. I always knew there was something he wasn’t telling me. I would have never guessed that it was something this detrimental. This ten-year porn addiction had been an on and off thing since he was young and had ruined several family and friend relationships in the past. The thing that hurt the most, was finding out that it happened several times during our relationship.
I felt worthless.
In the relationship, I gave my all to him; emotionally and physically. I made sure he was okay when he was tired and worn out. I celebrated with him when he got a promotion at work. I picked him up for late night Wendy’s run because we both agreed that the 4 for $4 is the best idea since sliced bread. And at the end of each day, I got to hold him and hear about his day. But despite all of my efforts to keep him satisfied with life, he still felt the need to seek other means of satisfaction.
“Am I not enough?” I asked on that suddenly cold June night. He didn’t have to say anything because I already knew the answer.
It damaged my trust in him.
It was like he had cheated on me. I could no longer trust the fact that when he left my apartment, he would go home and only think of me. There were other women in his life that he seemed to appreciate and love more. Lusting after another girl is not remaining faithful to the one you are dating. Therefore, I could not longer trust where his wandering eyes would go when I was not around.
I don’t think he ever realized how much of a toll this took on me. I was just another person he hurt because of this secret. He has a good heart and is one of the best people I’ve ever met. However, I could not, in good conscience, continue to date him while I knew he was fighting a seemingly impossible, uphill battle. He told me that he had tried to stop many times before but had always come back to it. After three weeks, he came back to me and told me that he was over it. I couldn’t trust a three week “sober” person. I couldn’t get past this addiction that he claimed to be over because habits aren’t broken in a few days. It takes months and years. Even then there is always the temptation.
Trust is the key component of any relationship. When trust is gone, the relationship has nothing to stand on. It caves in like a house built on a fault line during an earthquake. Pornography ruined my relationship because it crushed the foundation of my relationship. It’s hard to trust someone who has been lying to you and it’s hard to trust someone who can’t control his wandering eye.
Pornography may bring temporary pleasure but the long term consequences are detrimental; to the viewer and everyone around them.
About The Author
If you're looking for me, you'll probably find me on a beach somewhere listening to Chris Browns latest album. Or burning food in the kitchen. Click the icons below to follow me on social media and keep up with my blog. http://mckenziestauffereportfolio.weebly.com
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