The Sexiest Thing You Can Do As A Dude

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Motorcyclist, Software Manager, Drink-Slinger of the South| http://bit.ly/2CXgcv5

Originally published on psiloveyou.xyz (with permission)

As far as everything I have seen and read and heard and felt, when it comes to straight women, our shit is consistently this:

Demonstrate stability, security, solidity, consistency

Because stability is “safe,” and safe is sexy.

I don’t know why it’s so sexy, but it is.

Possible (totally unscientific) thoughts:

Maybe it’s because sex is a different act for women that it is for men. Our side of the act renders us more vulnerable, so enjoying it requires that we feel safe, which requires that we think the dude’s a safe person.
Maybe it’s biological and we’re getting ramped up for babies, who also need security.
Maybe it’s social. Maybe we look for this because we’re socialized to look for it.
Maybe it’s because we all look for security deep down. Because we do. Just as many dudes look for emotional security and stability as women. They just call it “not crazy.”

The most important thing: emotional security

If you hear “security” and think “financial,” you’re missing the mark —because the most important security is “emotional.”

The number one way to demonstrate security is to be emotionally healthy. This doesn’t mean you can’t have emotions; it means you’re emotionally stable. If you do nothing else, do this.

Being emotionally stable — secure and with healthy self esteem — pays dividends when it comes to sex appeal. Just being someone who can handle his shit without whining, clinging, manipulating, blaming, seeking revenge, etc goes really, really far. And if you drop the ball here, no amount of overcompensating elsewhere will make up for it. Nothing kills it for us faster than someone who lacks emotional stability — especially if they become an emotional burden or threat to us.

It’s not that we don’t have emotional security on our own. On the contrary, it’s because we do.

Emotional health is the most important thing in a healthy relationship — every other word (“communication,” “trust,” “kindness,” etc.) is just a manifestation of emotional health — and healthy people want to date other healthy people.

Note: “security” means consistency

Fun fact: producers almost couldn’t find someone to play Noah in The Notebook, because every dude actor hated the character, accusing him of having no “arc” — or development — over the course of the story. He’s the exact same person from start to finish.

But this consistency is precisely what women want. Noah’s stability is a major part of the appeal of the story.

Ryan Gosling is now a major heartthrob, largely due to playing Noah.

Note: be *actually* secure — not overcompensating

Emotional security is always first — above and beyond any other markers of “security.”

Given the choice between them, most women will pass on a dude with “markers” (nice job, money, height, nice car or big truck, ripped build, etc) if he’s emotionally unstable. Forced to choose, most of us will readily choose the dude with zero “markers” if he has rock-solid emotional health.

Everything “sexy” comes back to “safety”

Most everything we might think of as “sexy” for men — including physical and financial security — is just some more-specific manifestation, meant to remind us of our core desire for solidity, security, and safety.

From a random sampling of women asked what they find sexy:

“Suits,” “nice cars,” or, for the very blatant: “money.” These are financial security, i.e., safety.
“Hugs from behind” are really about “that feeling of utter protection & trust.” i.e., safety
“Open my door, carry my bags, make me feel protected.” Safety.
“Cooking” is about being provided for; i.e., safety.
“Tell me with your eyes that you know what you’re doing.” Safety.
“Want me,” or “do that little thing with your hands that I like.” Safety in still being valued the way she values herself.
“Remember the little things” or “care” are reassurance that she is emotionally safe.